The Noodle

OLD SALADTOWN - History was made in Malik County early Sunday morning as Warren Lyleson became the oldest champion at Aardvark Eating Contest Nationals. Lyleson, 53, had been eating aardvarks competitively for just 16 months before stunning the crowd of guys named Steve with a North American-record 11 A.C.2.H. (aardvarks consumed in two hours), which clinched the Denny Cup.

"I was stunned," said Steve Klein, who looked more stunned than Steve Knepper.

"I'm stunned you would write that," added Steve Knepper.

Lyleson, who Tuesday was playing for the Make A Wish With Someone Else's Birthday Cake Foundation, moves on to the international competition March 1-5.

"All the glory goes to him," said Lyleson, while pointing to a road map of Nebraska.

Lyleson, 17 pipe cleaners tall, will compete against three-time world champion Liu Ting Yi, and radio contest winner Wendy Marsden, who last month guessed correctly ‘Beto and the Fairlanes’.

Lyleson's trainer - a poster board containing the lyrics to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ - was unavailable for comment.

Oldest to win at the A.E.C.N.

Lyleson - Sunday: 53 years-old

Everett Peesh - August, 2019: 52

Janae Rudolph-Kling - August, 2007: 51, 11 months

Rodney Forks - August, 1998: 50

Final exam

Test taken by: Bobby Feathers

1. Do you accept Jesus Christ as your savior?

Let's see how this goes first.

2. Are you prepared for the day when God sends his only son, Jesus from heaven?

What do five-hundred WELCOME JESUS cupcakes tell you?

3. Do you reject Satan?

If he's going to drive the lane with some soft, "prep school floater", I'm going to let him know this is MY house, and you don't bring that weak stuff into my house.

Note: if the game was being played at Satan's house (hell or perhaps the Palumbo Center - go Dukes!), then in my answer we'd have to twice replace the word 'house' with 'lane' or 'painted area'.

4. Where do you think sinners who don't repent go after they die?

O'Charley's

5. Do you expect to go to heaven when you die?

Let's just say the things I expect for myself you could fit into the 'Grand Can'.

It's a brand of Vienna sausages they have at the Shell station down the street from my apartment.

6. If your answer to question 1 was 'no', isn't it now time for you to accept Jesus Christ as your savior?

Let's see how the next test goes first.

- Test taken April, 2026