Billys

In 2015, and then again in 2018, I had the privilege of being a part of the two greatest baseball play-by-play broadcasts of all time.

The following is a greatest hits of those two days.


1. Milwaukee and Wright State played a Horizon League game on March 20, 2015, and though I never got the name of the young man who announced that day for espn3, I called him Billy because he sounded like a Billy:

"A little droobler"
"It's a young season on the year"
"Here comes the sign from catcher, he shakes it off a little bit"
"Welcome back here to this baseball game"
"Hits a ground ball to first place"
"Once again, a first pitch swinging Panthers"
"Nick Unes, now swinging"
"It's gonna be a swing and a mount"
"Zero balls, one strike"
"He's given in two strike outs"
"Two outs in"
"Trying to get his team right back into the bench"
"First pitch of the bat"
"Looked to be a close there call"
"That's an unfortunate event"
"Looks like the catcher is OK here...we'll get right back into action"
[Cough] [Cough] [Cough] "sorry, I had something in my throat"
"Nice job by the catcher to get out of his stance and retrieve that ball"
"Looking for the sign from the coach"
"Looks to be a catcher, number Sean Murphy"
"Murphy will retrieve back to first place"
"The third baseman does a nice job of staying on his feet"
"Ahead in the count zero one"
"Saw the scouts down there with their radar guns.....got a little excited"
"He has now reached the century mark in pitches as he pitches one hundred"
"Tyler Hermann would be the last man chance"

2. Nearly three years later, on February 20, 2018, Tennessee beat Lipscomb in a non-conference game, and play-by-play man Andy Brock out-Billy'd Billy:

"he's already through the first batters of the Bisons"

"Chinea gave great minutes for the Vols"

"it's fouled directly backwards"

"the newcomer pitcher"

"looking to swing the ball"

"making sure the Vols don't get too into scoring position"

"in their first ever win of the season"

"and the first swing for the Vols is a successful one"

"he is a fan of runners on base"

"couldn't quite collect his stance there"

"a very productive offensive outing"

"Thomas interested in the pitch....did he go around?"

"as the Vols set to take the plate"

[after a second inning strike out] "Zach Daniels looking to make up for that later in the game"

"this man is looking to increase his stats heavily this season"

"he can fly around the paths"

"back in the top of the third, this is a very young game here at Lindsey Nelson Stadium"

"since then Hunley hasn't strucken out anyone"

"letting Hooker walk right onto home"

"Vitello has worked with multiple NBA stars, including Andrew Benintendi of the Boston Redsox"

"Dayton Tripp is settling into this mound"

"you never know what you're going to get night in and night out with Benito, but you know you're going to get firepower"

"a swing and a deep cut"

"Chinea puts a piece on the ball"

"hoping to center one out"

"late in the third quarter"

"to give them a nice six point cushion"

"Tennessee gets across zero in the fourth inning"

"that probably would've been a double or a single in the MLB"

"the bats have been decently consistent"

"he does give off a nice blast"

"a little conference over at the mound"

"they have deemed Adam Stewart's day to be done"

"Dorso's really investigating his runners over there"

"they'll only have one inning to get back this three-run lead"

"one double to his name"

"Vazquez has been dialed in, no one's been really able to face him"

"and the Volunteers take the one game mid week game series"

Basketball Billy

Date: Sunday, November 24, 2019

Game: Robert Morris women at Kent State, espn3.com

The event: Basketball Billy

Our first basketball Billy, and his name is Austin Arnold.

Let's enjoy a Sunday's worth of Billys:

"she's enticing to watch"
"she has absolutely been the engine in the car that keeps them going"
"in the words of many basketball players, 'if you keep shooting the shots will come'"
"Kent State just looking for some type of light to go their way"
"they've been hitting the three-point ball and that's reflective on the way they play"
"ball urgency"
"that almost could've been bad"
"to get this game now within some scoring distance"
"a lot of the Kent State points have definitely been down by that box area"
"she's really impressed a lot of eyes"
[watching replay of a lay up] "Asiah Dingle, [higher-pitched sound] what?!, see ya, I'll take two!"
"that's just another great awareness play"
"you draw a charge, which could be a very well good momentum shifter for the back end of this game"
"she's kind of been like an unsung hero, to say the least, for Robert Morris"
"welcome to the Ezeigbo show...she's done everything whether.....well, she's been doing everything because she's been on the court playing so well.....she's not on the court.....
"this is gonna start to become a barnburner really soon"
"kind of almost reminiscent of deja vu, wouldn't you say?"
"she's done absolutely phenomenal"
"this is going to be a very pivotal point in this game"
"I'm at a loss for words! This reminds me of Bulls-Hornets the other night!"

Postcard

Final exam

Test taken by: Bobby Feathers

1. Do you accept Jesus Christ as your savior?

Let's see how this goes first.

2. Are you prepared for the day when God sends his only son, Jesus from heaven?

What do five-hundred WELCOME JESUS cupcakes tell you?

3. Do you reject Satan?

If he's going to drive the lane with some soft, "prep school floater", I'm going to let him know this is MY house, and you don't bring that weak stuff into my house.

Note: if the game was being played at Satan's house (hell or perhaps the Palumbo Center - go Dukes!), then in my answer we'd have to twice replace the word 'house' with 'lane' or 'painted area'.

4. Where do you think sinners who don't repent go after they die?

O'Charley's

5. Do you expect to go to heaven when you die?

Let's just say the things I expect for myself you could fit into the 'Grand Can'.

It's a brand of Vienna sausages they have at the Shell station down the street from my apartment.

6. If your answer to question 1 was 'no', isn't it now time for you to accept Jesus Christ as your savior?

Let's see how the next test goes first.

- Test taken April, 2026

Lyleson wins national title

OLD SALADTOWN - History was made in Malik County early Sunday morning as Warren Lyleson became the oldest champion at Aardvark Eating Contest Nationals. Lyleson, 53, had been eating aardvarks competitively for just 16 months before stunning the crowd of guys named Steve with a North American-record 11 A.C.2.H. (aardvarks consumed in two hours), which clinched the Denny Cup.

"I was stunned," said Steve Klein, who looked more stunned than Steve Knepper.

"I'm stunned you would write that," added Steve Knepper.

Lyleson, who Tuesday was playing for the Make A Wish With Someone Else's Birthday Cake Foundation, moves on to the international competition March 1-5. 

"All the glory goes to him," said Lyleson, while pointing to a road map of Nebraska.

Lyleson, 17 pipe cleaners tall, will compete against three-time world champion Liu Ting Yi, and radio contest winner Wendy Marsden, who last month guessed correctly ‘Beto and the Fairlanes’.

Lyleson's trainer - a poster board containing the lyrics to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ - was unavailable for comment.

Oldest to win at the A.E.C.N.

Lyleson - Sunday: 53 years-old

Everett Peesh - August, 2019: 52

Janae Rudolph-Kling - August, 2007: 51, 11 months

Rodney Forks - August, 1998: 50

Cassette single

New head basketball coach speaks to press

CLERR - With training camp underway, new Whistles coach Connie Delek spoke with assembled media members Friday on a number of subjects, including where has he been the press conference was supposed to start 20 minutes ago, and his hopes for new 7'5 Zengaleize import Marvin Queem, who averaged 38.2 points for the Zengaleize National Team from 1990-2024.

Delek, 19 in snowman years, who last coached with the Chalk of the Xavier Association from 2019-2023, wore his league-mandated giraffe costume to the press conference.

On Queem:

"Listen, you don't average nearly 40 points a game over a 34-year span in Zengal, with children riding their bikes on the court during games, without having some real talent. He's got a chance to be a special player in this league.

But first he has to finish that roast beef sandwich."

On his first month as head coach:

"Its been a huge learning experience, but an exciting time for me and my family. Of muskrats."

On the league switching to the GiganticBall:

"I think it's taking some getting used to because it's so gigantic. Peeshon Bradley was working out with the other forwards first day of practice and he took a pass and it almost killed him. Of course, he's about a foot and half tall and weighs 30 or so pounds."

On his acquittal in February's grand theft wheat bread trials:

"I had a very serious wheat bread problem in the 1990s and now I'm 23 years zober. I wasn't involved in any wheat bread theft in December and it feels good to be exonerated. And that post-trial bowl of Grandma May's Wheat Bread Soup out in the parking lot? Tasted like freedom. And grandma feet."

On criticisms of his coaching staff's hand-in-the-wasp-next defensive drill"

"That's really in the hands of the league and player's union, and for now I'd like to decline comment."

On the Whistles' fan base:

"We have an intense, passionate fan base and we love playing in front of them. Not necessarily behind them, though, it can get violent, especially on carton of raw eggs night. We'd also like the fans seated on the baselines to stop screaming and shouting when our players are shooting free throws, but they may take some time."

On his expectations for the 2026-2027 season:

"It's tough to make predictions because there are so many that go on over the course of a season. Guys make shots, they miss shots, they get shot. One of the most important things for coaches and players is where are we, you know? Where are you located, how close are you to the arena, the game is almost starting. So, 249 games is a long season, we're going to take it one second at a time."